Minneapolis! Houston! And . . . Hickory? Are you telling me that distributors of Martin Luther were stuck with a movie so unmarketable that they had to boast its box-office earnings in Hickory, North Carolina? I only hope Sherriff Andy and Aunt Bee could make it to the screening. In typical “Heroes of the Protestant Reformation” fashion, Luther’s hilariously empty stern facial expression is a mix of Richard Nixon and Sam the Eagle. It’s no accident that he’s looking in the opposite direction of what appears to be happy, serene scenes of children conversing and women knitting. There is no place for happiness in upright, dour Protestant ethics! There’s also no place for 3-D films, which, according to the Associated Press, routinely takes a backseat to Protestant biopics. Imagine Avatar being dethroned at the box office by Zwingli; or Clash of the Titans finishing second to Jan Hus. OK, OK, anything’s possible in Hickory, N.C.